"My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else."
--Woody Allen

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!"
--John Belushi, "Animal House"

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
--Albert Einstein

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure."
--Jarger

"Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner."
--Will Ferrell, "Blades of Glory"

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
--Jackie Mason

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
--Bill Watterson, "Calvin & Hobbs"

"I'm sorry I had to fight in the middle of your Black Panther party."
--Tom Hanks, "Forrest Gump"

"When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute."
--Steven Wright

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
--George Stephanopolous

"Just think, next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested."
--Leslie Nielsen, "The Naked Gun"

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
--Jason Kidd

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
--Jane Wagner

"Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of
those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep."
--Vince Vaughn, "Wedding Crashers"

"I have a very large seashell collection I like to keep scattered along the coast. Maybe you've seen it."
--Steven Wright